be more like me [entries|friends|calendar] Amanda [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(new dawn) [05 Nov 2004|11:43pm] Why is it that love is such a killer... its so hard to not get hurt when you are in love and it is so hard to understand it. the only way that i figure you can do is to just not think about it. you know that your feelings for a person are true when, you care about every single thing that they do whether it be harmful or not. you dont have to always be around them. you can trust them with all your heart. but love still hurts. it kills the person because if all you have around you is love, then all of a sudden something changes, it will hurt. adjusting to those changes though are the toughest part of love. and every time you do adjust to the changes in your life a part of you becomes stronger. your heart accepts the things over time and you are able to still love after everything. love is patient. love is kind. it does not envy. it does not boast. it is not proud. it is not rude. it isnt self-seeking. it is not easily angered. it keeps no record of wrongs. thats what i love about love. everything that it says here. oh well, nobody cares what i think anyway... signing off Amanda

(1 new day new dawn) [07 Sep 2004|08:05pm] [ mood | pensive ] what does pensive mean anyway?!?

(new dawn) [07 Sep 2004|07:55pm] [ mood | pensive ] now that i have a writing journal i usally dont need this anymore... i guess ill post every once and a while... but yeah...

(1 new day new dawn) [10 Aug 2004|09:57pm] [ mood | gloomy ] [ music | Angel- Sarah maglock.. ]      Dont you hate it when you know that you cant have someone? Are you ever jealous of other people that you don't even know because they get to spend thier time with that person? Do you ever wonder if they are still thinking about you? Dont you just wish that you could know? well... maybe not because if you knew that they were still thinking about u you would be sad... and if you knew that they werent thinking about you then ud be sad... so either way you really get the samething. Maybe its good that hes gone... i loved him.... he was the best thing that happened to me...      well some people would say well how can that be?      ok we don't see each other... or relationship is over the phone... but if you think about it a relationship over the phone is somewhat stronger because you dont have little things in the way of ur relationship... its a trust building process... and thats one major thing that i need to work on...      he was the best thing that happened to me because of the type of relationship that we built up. And for this huge foundation that we built, to knock it down, it was hard for me to take... because it really wasnt like i was loosing a boyfriend, it was more like a good friend because thats what we technically were...  when people say oh, it wasnt the worst lost of all, u'll survive dont worry... it wasnt the worst lost? any loss of mine is bad because i get so attached and then when its time to move on i cant... and it was bad... maybe the others just dont know how bad i was after it ended... and i still am talking about it... i think that in about 9 days it is going to be a month that we had been broken up officially.... i think....        You know when ppl ask me whats wrong, u know what i tell them? im Tierd... well i am tierd... im tierd of hiding my true feelings... im tierd of saying that im tierd when i know perfectly well that im not physically tierd... even tho i might not let myself sleep much... i know that im not tierd as bad as i am hurt... im hurt by the littlest comments that anyone says...      if im in a sad mood a way to cover up my feelings is to let them out in some different way... like singing... but if someone disses my singing then thats like them dissing my way of not feeling sorry for myself and i get even more sorry for myself... when i listen to my slow and soothing music it calms me... but if im around like somethin that doesnt match what i feel i get emotional... and its not pretty for me to get emotional.      I hate just acting wierd so that i can cover up my true feelings... if i act wierd and stuff everyone thinks that im just being normal... but truthfully im covering up my sadness with laughter and jokes... and i keep all my true feelings to myself... if anyone really saw what my heart looked like from the inside... it would just be a dark empty and cold celar. and im just sitting alone on the quiet empty corner of the room and singing to myself... in the arms of the angel fly away from here.. from this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear you were pulled from the wreakage of your sielent reverie in the arms of the angel may you find some comfort here... -Signing off Amanda

(new dawn) [09 Aug 2004|06:21pm] [ mood | blah ] I had a huge long entry but then my computer shut down on me so now that i have everything out of my system im better... -Signing Off Amanda

(1 new day new dawn) [08 Aug 2004|03:18pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | rewind- Pillar ] i still just dont know what to do... i think that ive had my share of pain in this little heart of mine... its been broken before and its never hurt this bad before... ...yesterday... was probably the hardest thing for me to do... i came over to alicia's house and it was about 9:00 in the morning... and Matt was sleeping on the little couch thing out in the living room... i went in there and i saw him sleeping like a little angel... and Alicia desided to wake him up... so she sits on him and starts to tickle him... i just sat at the edge of the bed and watched them... then they stopped for a while and then we started to talk more... and then Matt covered up Alicia with the blanket and he leaned in towards me and said hi... my heart started to race as our lips touched... then i realized... no i shouldnt be doing this so i pulled away and said no... we didnt kiss... it was a almost kiss... and i regreted it soo bad... i thought that he would be mad at me... i thought that because he was rejected he would hate me and thats not what i wanted... so i pulled him to the backyard and i talked to him... i said i cant do this matt... you cant just expect everything between us to be as great as it was... its not gonna work... its not... i mean shes my best friend and ur cousin... i cant do this anymore... u know... and he didnt say anything... an im like ok well do you have anything to add?? and hes like no... ur right and im gonna respect ur judgement... and im like thinking in my head... i want u so bad! i think that i made the right choice... there were times when he would just continuously stare at me... and i longed for him again... i wanted him just so much... it was almost too hard for me to bear... i actually broke down once... i took a trip to the bathroom and just cried... i couldnt help it... its just been held inside for too long and it just let loose... but now i just know... i had a perfect guy... the one person that i know that i want from here on out... he was my everything... and i cant have him... well i have to go.. ill talk later... -Signing off Amanda

(1 new day new dawn) [07 Aug 2004|07:49am] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | here without you- 3 doors down ] Ok... i havent written in a long time because seriously i havent had anything to write about... this is my journal i can say whatever the fuck i want... I hate it when ppl just dangle something right in front of ur nose... they just do it... i want something that i know that i cant have... i know it... i know that i shouldnt still like him because of what he put me thru but that doesnt mean that we cant just be friends still... u know he never hurt me... never... even when we broke up it was a mutual agreement... we both agreed to break up... not just him... not just me... we both did... I new that it was coming too... i knew that it wouldnt work because of the long distance terms... but i had no idea that i would long for him still... when he was playing the guitar he played it just like he first did... when he first met me... and then he played our song and he stared straight into my eyes and sang it to me... and when our song came on on the radio he blasted the music and he looked into the rearveiw mirror and saw me looking at him and he looked at me with those eyes... the eyes that i can never have... when i left her house i could feel the pain in my stomach rise to my chest and burn with a longing of his scent... his body... his touch... his love... him... and i knew in my heart i cant touch him... i cant have him even for the littlest moment ever... i cant... the worst way to miss someone is to sit right next to them and know that you can have them. well shorty you were right... it hurts... i guess that proves that im not alien afterall... -Signing off Amanda

(new dawn) [06 Jul 2004|05:32pm] [ mood | dirty ] [ music | Where is the Love ] Hey People who are too bored to do anything other than to read my writin.... lol.... Today is the 4th, and i couldnt help but watch the fireworks and see the wonderful beauty in it... but me being who i am had to look at the bad side of the beauty... everytime a firework goes off... it lets out a harmful gas that effects the ozone layer... you should have seen the smoke that went up in the air after the fireworks... Ok... 30 min of pure beauty and excitement... to feel your heart boom with the fireworks as they go off... 30 min... but along with that is a lifetime of damage that we will never be able to repair... Does it seem logical? Well, not to me... so this 4th wasn't the greatest... But i was hanging out with my dads friends over at their house today... and there were a couple of people there that were speaking Russian and it just brought back memories and how much i really missed being in a country where there were people that didn't speak just English... i noticed how much i missed being the person just kind of lagging behind listening to the things around me... being more of an observer than a leader... im not a good leader... But then i remembered all that kind of fell into place because i was an observer... i really didnt feel accepted wherever i went so i would go off by myself... and thats how he got to me... he told me lies that nobody cared... that i had no friends and that i wasn't accepted... so there are some things that i didnt like about being a follower... and plus i was little... i didnt know what to think... i wasnt educated about teens... i had 4+5 grade friends my 8th grade year... i really didn't know how to act as a teen... i was basically still a child because thats who i only hung out with... but im getting off the subject... Wow i like to write a lot... I had better go... <WoneLolf>

(new dawn) Story [30 Jun 2004|07:32pm] A boy heard the voice of the whippoorwill one night and went out to find where he was singing.  He had to walk quite a ways through a big field, because the song of the whippoorwill carried so well in the wind he sound much closer then he really was. And on the way the boy found a well worn trail, so he stayed on it for a while. And sitting in the middle of the trail was coyote, and coyote was singing too. He turned and saw the boy and he said "Why are you follow me?" The boy was frightened and said "Well the trail you made happened to be a short and easy way through this field. Then coyote asked "Well if your not following me then why are you here?" "Well I heard the beautiful song of the whippoorwill and wanted to watch him sing." "Well do you not think my songs are beautiful?", said coyote. "Oh", said the boy, "there good but I hear you all the time. I much prefer the songs of the whippoorwill" This made coyote furious and he was jealous of the whippoorwill's song. He said "Listen to my night song you might like this one" And he pulled back his head and yodeled out a tune. The boy covered his ears and politely said, "Thank you for the song, but I must be going now." "Well", coyote said, "I can show you a short cut to the whippoorwill boy, and where he sings is just over there." Pointing his claw, smiling out of the side of his mouth. The boy paused, looked around, he knew the night was passing fast so he agreed to follow coyote. But coyote's trail was rough and rocky. And the boy fell in quite a few gopher holes along the way. Coyote turned around and laughed and he yelled to the boy. "Were almost there, hurry up." Coyote was at a full trot but the boy had just fallen again and hurt his knee And by the time he got to the place where the whippoorwill had been singing all night, it was morning. Whippoorwill was gone...... And so was coyote, in fact he could hear coyote's songs in another field. So the boy turned and headed for home, covered with burrs, misquito bites and a skinned up knee. And it was many summers later when the boy became a wiser man. And he realized, there are no shortcuts to find something you really love. But there are many trails in this life. So you must stay true to your path, and always keep and eye out for coyote...... signing off, the WoneLolf

(new dawn) [27 Jun 2004|08:47pm] [ mood | thankful ] [ music | Knockin at Heavens Door- Avril + Alien DJ ] Thank you Lord for the things you have done in my life, I Thank you for the trials you put on my Heart, I learn even more every day, I can do anything through you, You give me strength so that I can make it through an other day... Even tho it might be tough and I will be depressed, I look to the heavens and think, It will all be fine... It will all be fine... Watch and Wait, Wait and see, I will change, The father will help me

(1 new day new dawn) [27 Jun 2004|07:35pm] frozenwolf

(3 new day new dawn) [26 Jun 2004|07:49pm] [ mood | infuriated ] [ music | 2 pac-- ill be missing you ] IS anyone there does anyone really care? people shouldn't have to ask that question... i shouldnt have to know if people care... i should know that they want me around or better yet dont want me around... i've been hurt too so dont gvie me that shit!!! i've been down too so i dont want to hear that crap!! you act like i dont know my mistakes!!! you act like i dont give a shit well you know what? i do i give a shit what people think of me and you dont know what the hell im feeling right now so dont give me that crap!! Friends should love you for who YOU are, no matter what they have done, no matter what comes between them, they should be there for you and you should be there for them i dont care if "she did this" or " she did that" I DONT FUCKING CARE!!! "well you know what she said..." SHUT UP!!! FUCK IT who gives a shit what happened!!! What type of a world are we living in where DRAMA in real life AMUSES people!!! Drama is supposed to be watched not experienced!!! unless you have signed up for an actual class and you have to improv or memorize lines!!! FUCK IT i hate people here!! I HATE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE!!!! Why the hell is it ok for one person to do shit then for an other it is ok??!!??!? thats not fucking right!!! if one person does something then the person apologizes FUCK IT THEN! F,F and F!! not just forgive and forget!! FUCKIT FORGIVE AND FORGET!!!    Haven't I said im sorry, haven't I tried to show you that thats not me. Im different by the grace of God. And if you people havent forgiven me, God have mercy on you because thats what he did. He went through way worse things that me or you, He sent his son to die... doesnt that mean a fucking thing to all of you?!?! There were people out there who were going through many more situations then we have right now. so why the fuck are we still fighting and bikering over the same petty little things? Im sorry but Lord I really wish that I could be more Holy like you. Lord help me.....for i am in desparation of your love... forgive me lord for my tresspasses and my sins, for i believe that you will forgive them.................... if nobody else will.

(1 new day new dawn) [26 Jun 2004|12:00pm] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | Matchbox 20- Hung ] Well today is Saturday, and Last night was the last night with matt...unless he is going to stay longer because of his brothers ID... but Alicia is mad at me. Desty feels left out, and Matt is leaving, what a great day to be depressed dont you say? I'm waiting for Matts call, if he is going to stay or if he's leaving. And today, I want to go over to Lizzies house so that I can spend some time with her and Chris before Chris leaves. He's a good buddy of mine, my homeboy lol jk. but I have to wait about an hour before I can leave because Matt still hasn't called yet. I really want him to stay longer but Alicia, would probly be more mad if he did stay... I Love her and all but I have to admit that I like spending time with Matt too. And I cant do both, spend time with Matt and time with Alicia without one or the other feeling left out, or unhappy. But I dont know what is wrong with Alicia. I know that she is mad that I am going out with her cousin, but the reason I don't know. Maybe I'm not good enough for her cousin and she is just wanting someone better for him. Because I know I'm not the greatest person in the world, we all do our fair share of mistakes, but I need to prove to her that I can change. And then maybe she wouldnt feel as mad at me that we are going out. but I don't know. I guess I'm gonna have to talk to her about it.

(new dawn) Where too next??? [25 Jun 2004|11:16am] Lets go to a place where its round on both ends and high in the middle, Yes, Father Lets stay here a while and make a living while we're at it Yes, Father Lets find a job because mine I had to quit, Yes, Father Lets move to a country out of this world Yes, Father Lets stay here and grow up in this foreign place Yes, Father Lets get a dog that we will soon learn to love like our own, Yes, Father Lets leave the one place we called our home Yes, Father Lets go back to school, and live there for a year Yes, Father Were to next father are we going? Wherever we go I will follow you with all of my heart....

(new dawn) [25 Jun 2004|01:45am] [ music | Goo Goo Dolls- Iris ] My stomach creeps as he whispers in my ear....I feel the heat of his body and the heart beat in his chest, I only want to be with him. I only want to see him.....There is a buring inside that can't wait to know what will becme of our relationship...there is a aching in my gut knowing that he will be gone....I fall too quickly....somehow, I know it will work...somehow I know that we will be together, I know that God has put us together for a reason...I dont know it yet, but I hope that its for a good one....so far it seems like it is....The next months ahead will be the hardest for me to go through...  I know for sure that God will put me through trials and tribulations to come but I will handle them the best that I can....... Signing off, Amanda

(new dawn) [25 Jun 2004|01:34am] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | green day- time of your life ] Ok so a girl that i got into a cat fight with e-mailed me like 13 letters saying that she was sorry and that she was wrong. Well read it for yourself Im sorry for everything that i said that night...i was way out of line and nothing was tru. I feel really bad about all te words i spit at you. I got angry and let my emotions control me. Im the fool, not you...and you are right. I am the one who deservs to die by whoevers hands. Hey maybe itll even be mine. That should make you feel better right. I was stupid....i got way out of control, and said so much. Im so sorry for everything, i wish that i could go back and make it better but i cant. If it makes you feel anybetter its tearing me apart from the inside out. Hey heres a happy thought for you...me in a mental instatutuion. Yeah, i get a lil smile? I know that youll prolly never be able to forgive e for all the hurtfull things i said...and i wish that i could say this to you face to face but that time has come and gone. I wish i could make things better but i cant. And you prolly dont even want to accept my apologies. You dont have to and im not asking you to. I was out of line...i admit that, and you know how stubborn i can be. I wasnt a very good friend....im not even fit to be called a friend...i guess im just a ....how did you put it....a slimy little sleezball who deservs to die. Your right i dont know anything about your past....and a true friend wouldnt throw sumthing like that up in your face.. Im terrible sorry for all the pain ive caused you. FOr everything ive ever done and said to you. SO.........ill gladley lay my life on the line....if you ever truely want it, its yours to take. You may thing im joking but im not. Ill never joke about life or death. And so mine is yours if you ever want to repay me for all the things ive done to you. I still love you....but those words prolly seem empty to you dont they. Im so so sorry. I didnt mean one word that i said to you that night. I was being cruel. Your a great person.....it gives all of us pathetic people sumone to look up to. Forgive me, for everything. For ruining our friendship, for saying everything that i did, for even entering your life. B/c we all know that it would have been better off without me in it. Im sorry.......truely.......honestly This was my reply: What would the world be without sinners?........................ A Perfect place that was never meant to be. What would the world be like without forgivers???...............a world full of hate and fear and the hardening of hearts around all people of this world. There are some that can't seem to forgive, there are people who lie continuously and there are some who confess. Those that confess have more courage than that of one thousand men. Those who accept the apoligies are considered more godly than a inooncent baby. Those who forgive, are the one's you can truly trust. You have more courage than those of the men preparing for battle. Those men have the courage that rises in you like a heard of thousands of stampeeding horses. That my wolf is in you. You cannot run from the past, but you can't let it catch up to you. You have to learn from the mistakes that you've made. You have to fear it, but face it with the courage you just had. That my wolf you have done. I will not say that you have earned you're forgiveness because you already have had it. (I will say that I was still mad at you, but now that you have apologized those feelings of hurt are gone),  I forgave you the moment you started. It just takes the courage to admit that you were wrong, for you to finally realize that you have been forgiven.... I still you with every beat of my heart. I was going to call you up and ask you if you wanted the fudge delivered to your doorstep or if you were going to come pick it up....but by the time I called your phone had been disconnected, and you were gone. I talked to Rob about it and I noticed that I said some pretty nasty things to you too. Its not just you that had to apologize, I have to too. Im sorry for what I said, Im sorry that I messed things up, Im sorry for not being a better friend, Im sorry for not sharing my mistakes to you from the begining, Im sorry as well. I dont have to just forgive but i have to ask for your forgiveness as well. Dont say, I wish I could have done otherwise...learn from it in your following friendships. Whit, out of all the people I know you have made the bigest impact on my life and I will never forget you. I just can't thank you enough for all the good times that we had and all the things that you tought me. Be the most honest person and you will get the same thing back. and remember you dont have to tell anyone about anything that happened. Just an other howl in the night waiting for a cry back, ~<FrozenWolf>~ (the strut of the wolf)<---- go here

(1 new day new dawn) [21 Jun 2004|12:45pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Shaggy- Angel ] How do you know what love is? You say that you love a person but that love changes so quickly. Isn't love supposed to be an eternal feeling that you know will feel no matter what? So whats the use saying that you love someone, when you know that if they do something to you, that so called love changes to a burning Hate? True Love comes from a person who will lay down a life for a friend. Now that is true love. That is a passionate caring feeling for someone that will never change.   When I was writing those poems I was a little Freshman. I didn't know what true Love really was. I was just feeling a rush of feelings and love was new to me. But at that time I didn't truly know it.

(new dawn) OK [18 Jun 2004|06:59pm] [ mood | bored ] If you are bored go to Poetry.com and search the person Amanda Scottishvili Its me, all my loverly poems mostly of love eww...but yeah id like to know what people think of them. most of them are really old and I havn't updated them in a while, well, I think that I'll do that now. lol My Favorites were Untitled and Getting over It will someone help me with titleing it?

(new dawn) My Life [18 Jun 2004|06:25pm] [ mood | satisfied ] [ music | none ] Hey, If you don't know me already you have missed a lot. My life has been full of adventure, excitement, sadness, happiness, etc. Well for those of you who don't know me, my name is Amanda, and for the beginning years of my life I have been moving around. I've been to A LOT of places. But I'll make it easy for you: I was born in California, Sacramento to be exact. I was only 7 when my dad got a job offer to go to Ohio. So, we moved out there. I had the greatest time of my life there (well at that time). But I grew up there. I made some of my best friends there. And I still talk to them. lol, they beg me to come back, even if it was for a couple of days. I was loved there. But lovely enough the way it was we had to go and move again. I remember the day that we had our family meeting. Man, was that hard! My dad had told us that he could have a job offer in Romania (at that time my mother and my father were out of jobs). And I remember crying there on the trampoline, wondering why me, I have to leave my friends and everyone here, And the church that we all grew to love. And soon enough we were all packed and ready to go to Georgia. (You're probably wondering why we went to Georgia when my dad got a job offer to Romania...well, I think that he had an opportunity to pick from, Georgia, Armenia, Romania, or Azerbaijan. And of course he picks the worse of the 4. Georgia. But he really had no idea what the country was like.) My Dad flew out there the first without all of us. So that he could start working as soon as possible. But we had to pack up the house and get it ready for the tenants to start living in it. The Flight over there was horrible!! We have like 20 pieces of luggage with us. Believe me I am NOT KIDDING (there are 4 of us, 2 pieces of luggage each, so that's 8 bags, our Carry-ons, 2 each so that was 8 others but we had a CD box that carries about 30 CD's and it was filled. That wasn't counted as a carry on, even though we did carry it on with us. Jill (my older sister) had her Bass Guitar. And there were 2 huge rubber maid green containers that were like 70 lbs. EACH.) We were over our head in overweight fees and to top it all off, the ticket agent told my mom that I had a different flight as them. I was only about 12 years old maybe 11, I can't remember, but I'm was minor and I couldn't fly alone. So they would have had put more charges on us for the special service. But my mom was at the point of tears and the agent was nice enough to work everything out for us. *wipes forehead The Flight The flight went like this… Ohio to Atlanta Georgia Atlanta to New York, NY New York to Istanbul, Turkey Istanbul to the Republic of Georgia. Crazy!! There was a 12 hour layover in Istanbul…no kidding…we had to stay in the airport for 12 hours. Yes! Boring! There were tons of people there but they didn’t speak English. And plus if we wanted to go to like Burger King their burgers cost about 1 million 200 somthin' lira. That is about 4-5 dollars but still we had millions and millions of lira with us. Lol no joke. We got to Georgia, and the first thing that my older sister said was... "O my gosh are they doing that for fun?" well, what I didn't realize was that she was pointing to someone's balcony. It had wires and clothes hanging off of them. Yes, clothes. They don't have any Dryers, so they air-dry all their clothes outside on the balcony. So we are outside the Tbilisi Airport and my dad is there with one of his friends to pick us up and we cram into the littlest car in the world!! Plus all of our luggage. Luggage with clothes = 8 Carry-on luggage = 8 + the CD case Tubber ware containers = 2 (70 lbs.) Jill's Guitar = 1 Yeah that's a lot of stuff to pack into a little car!! So we get to our apartment…good news, it has the greatest view in all of Tbilisi, but to get to the greatest view, you have to climb up 8 flights of stairs in the dark. Well, the bad news is that there was no power at that time(no elevator or lights) and no water either so we couldn’t take showers. (We had been traveling for at least 3 days. I knew I smelt!) So we had to lug up 20 pieces of luggage up the stairs. Loverly. The thing about Georgia is, they have had power, gas and water situations. Where there was none wow. Lol. But yeah 3 years living there. I'll tell you more about that later. But then after we started to get used to Georgia and everyone, their culture and stuff guess what? yeah, we had to move again. And that’s when we moved back to the states and sold our house in Ohio and then drove cross country to come here to Monterey California, where my parents have decided to go back to school. But guess what? wait you probably already did, we have to move again. After my dad's business schooling is finished which is like in August, then they are going to go on a frantic job search which they are starting now. And we don’t know where we are going next. So that’s my life yeah a very shortened part of it. But I will get to all the details later because it's such a long story already. :) Well, signing off Amanda

(1 new day new dawn) [14 Jun 2004|10:37am] [ mood | accomplished ] TESTING!!!!

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